My pussy is not your playground.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
