tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
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