Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
