So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
