You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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