Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
