she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
