It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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