Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
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I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
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