it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
