smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
