Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
