the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
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An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
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I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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