I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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