Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
3 2 1 whiskey
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
