What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
