Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
