Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
farters have to be the big spoon...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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