toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
People with herpes should wear stickers.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
