He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
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so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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