if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
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I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
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I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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