You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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