I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
