No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
