i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize