i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
