the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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