I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
When are your genitals available?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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