I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
