There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
