I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma