He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
