we have pet lesbian snakes
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
