Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
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Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
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I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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