so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Floor bacon is actually really good
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