you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
