my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize