she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
