Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
