So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
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We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
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you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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