I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
