I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
