my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
