Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
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