you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Randomize
