The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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