I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
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