My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
