Just cropdusted the office
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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