yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
