I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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