I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
