I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
