Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story