so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
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Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.