There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
