I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
