Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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