I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
